I really DON'T want to look for a new one in the mean time because there are just so many factors that are out of your control and I know in my place of work things will be way more different/safer because of my Union. Anyway, I do realize I need to get a temporary ... well, something, so that I can start getting some income into my home.
As for what I've been up to... well.. Just been reading so much lately. Which is nice because with worrying about work and other life garbage situations, I read to forget and get away. For a second there, I wasn't enjoying it much. Just too much stress with my sister, whom I live with and also just with worrying over work really, my income and all. Mainly the shit with my sister and her misguided priorities, it was all becoming too much and I lost my joy for reading and for doing other things. It was a struggle to get out of that dark place of deepening depression. I didn't want to do anything. Just wanted to sleep the days away and was just getting so dark and I was hating on myself... it was scary to look back now and see in hindsight what I was feeling and thinking. Now I've found the joy again in things, like reading and video games and just loosing myself in random distractions. I'm happy to go out again and just walk my dog. It's nice.
Things aren't better exactly and I don't think they'll get better with her anymore but that's because I've come to accept it. I'm worried about the bills she's refusing to pay even though SHE is working and I'm not... See, When I was "laid off" at the start of covid, I was being given Wage Continuation Pay. So even thought I wasn't working, I was still getting income. At half my regular pay, but it was still something... But at the same time, she wasn't working at all. She was furloughed. She was only getting unemployment. So she asked me to pay all the utilities and the internet. Which, I didn't like because again, she was getting unemployment so she wasn't broke. It was unemployment plus the $600 extra they were giving, so, I KNOW she was getting a good amount where she could pay, but I still said, okay, fine. Because she has a car, insurance, plates... all of which bills don't stop on.
At the start of June however, all of that wage continuation pay I was receiving, stopped. However, I am still getting unemployment, now. But I have(or had) it all sorted and planned that I can pay all of my rent and some food and not have to get a job with what I got. It's all what I saved and I think(thought) I can make it with what I saved. Once again... However-- although now I'M the one out of a job and SHE is the one working, She started at the end of June, she still expects me to pay everything. So she's working and now she thinks she gets to not continue to pay anything but rent?! FUCK. THAT.
I mean, I'm understandably pissed right? So it's just this constant thing and even now it's like that, she refuses and gets so pissed and gives me attitude whenever I bring it up. And well, hence why It was and still is too much for me to really process or handle. You know? So... that's where I'm at with her and again, I have no job, I'm on unemployment only which because of her, now won't last to what I was saving for months in advanced of rent for.
But, now that I've come to accept how much of a bitch she really is and how her character is, I'm resigned and am seeing things as the wake up call I needed with this situation. Oh yeah, In case I haven't already said, she's my older sister. Not the Eldest, but still older than me and she's this stupid and wasteful with her money where she's buying a laptop and expensive shoes and clothes and well... other "toys" that could have been used on rent and bills instead like a real adult would have thought to use it on. That's the first thing I did when I had a little bit more saved and I knew I could do it, I paid a good chunk of bills and debt and well, again, I thought I was good but now... I'm just not. because of her. *sigh*
I'm glad I'm able to put this on here... I was going in and out and back and forth with this in my mind but after finally talking to my best friend about it, He finally encouraged me and made me really realize that this is what was making me sick. It's poison on the mind and body and needed to be let out. So, He's glad I can talk to him about this, cuz at least it's out of my mind and in the open, but of course, the way journals are therapeutic, If I post it online, it's also a form of release. So... yay. For being able to really expel these stresses.
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